What's My Attachment Style?
Anxious, avoidant, secure, or disorganized? Sixteen questions.
Why attachment style matters
If you’ve ever wondered why you keep ending up in similar relationship dynamics — chasing emotionally unavailable people, feeling overwhelmed when someone gets close, suspecting your partner is about to leave even when nothing’s wrong — attachment style is probably part of the answer.
The framework was developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the 1960s-70s to describe how infants relate to caregivers, and was later extended to adult romantic relationships by Hazan and Shaver in the 1980s. The four styles are surprisingly stable predictors of relationship patterns — and surprisingly responsive to change once you know what to look for.
The four styles, briefly
- Secure (~50% of people) — Comfortable with both closeness and independence. Trust comes naturally. Conflict feels manageable. You believe your partner cares about you, and you’re not surprised when they show it.
- Anxious (~20%) — Preoccupied with the relationship. Fear of abandonment runs underneath everything. You need a lot of reassurance and notice every small change in your partner’s tone. Sometimes called “anxious-preoccupied.”
- Avoidant (~25%) — Uncomfortable with deep closeness. Independence feels safe; intimacy can feel suffocating. You may pull away just when things get serious. Sometimes called “dismissive-avoidant.”
- Disorganized (~5%) — Mix of anxious and avoidant. You want closeness AND fear it. Often from inconsistent or traumatic early relationships. Sometimes called “fearful-avoidant.”
Most people skew toward one style but have elements of others. The result of this quiz tells you which is dominant for you today.
What each style looks like in practice
Secure behaviors: easily expressing affection, trusting your partner is on your side, being able to argue without panicking, easily apologizing, taking space when needed without making it a punishment.
Anxious behaviors: re-reading messages for tone, panicking at delayed responses, needing frequent reassurance, getting “protest behavior” (acting out to provoke a response) when feeling unheard.
Avoidant behaviors: feeling smothered when partners want quality time, downplaying the importance of the relationship, suddenly losing interest when things get serious, valuing self-reliance as a virtue.
Disorganized behaviors: pushing your partner away then panicking when they leave, intense emotional swings, difficulty trusting even good partners, sabotaging relationships unconsciously.
What to do with your result
Each style has different growth edges:
- If you got Secure: congratulations, you have a head start in relationships. Use it. Be the secure partner who helps your anxious or avoidant partners co-regulate.
- If you got Anxious: the work is learning to self-soothe. Therapy (especially EFT or attachment-based) helps a lot. So does dating people who are themselves secure or actively working on themselves.
- If you got Avoidant: the work is letting yourself want closeness. Notice when you reflexively pull away. Tell partners what you’re feeling instead of disappearing. Therapy is especially helpful here.
- If you got Disorganized: the work is bigger but very doable. Trauma-informed therapy is the standard recommendation. Your patterns aren’t your fault, and they’re changeable.
Related quizzes
- Am I Codependent? quiz — anxious attachment’s frequent traveling companion
- Am I Being Gaslit? quiz — when the patterns aren’t yours but your partner’s
- Am I in Love? quiz — separate your attachment from the feeling itself
- Is This a Situationship? quiz — when the relationship is the issue, not your style
Frequently asked
What is an attachment style?
Attachment style is the pattern of how you behave in close relationships, formed mostly in early childhood through your relationships with caregivers. The four standard styles are secure (comfortable with closeness and independence), anxious (preoccupied with the relationship, fearing abandonment), avoidant (uncomfortable with closeness, valuing independence), and disorganized (mix of anxious and avoidant, often from trauma). You can shift styles over time.
Can my attachment style change?
Yes. The research is clear that attachment can shift through therapy, secure relationships, and intentional self-work. People who started anxious or avoidant can become 'earned secure.' The style you have today isn't a permanent label — it's a description of your current patterns.
Is this specifically for romantic relationships?
Mostly, yes — attachment style shows up most clearly in romantic and primary partnerships. But the same patterns affect close friendships and family relationships too. The quiz is calibrated to romantic-style attachment but the result will apply broadly.
Are there queer-specific attachment dynamics?
Sort of. Queer people sometimes have additional attachment complications from things like internalized shame, family rejection, or having to come out — all of which can push someone toward avoidance or anxiety. But the four basic styles still apply. We've written the questions to be inclusive of queer relationships.
Will my answers be saved?
No. Everything runs in your browser. Nothing is saved or sent.